Last night something was brought to my attention and since than I've been thinking about things. Than this morning I was talking to Jordan about it and it got me thinking even more.
What kind of person am I?
Am I a person that people fear? Am I unapproachable? Am I someone to be leery of and not want to be around? Do I create such an aura that people feel uncomfortable around me? Do I really make people worry that they'll get in my bad books?
What do I do(or did) to cause this? Why do people feel that if they do something that I don't like that I'm going to tear them a new one? What is it about me that people are so afraid of?
It actually hurts very much to think that everyone thinks I'm going to be mad and do something so they hide it instead?
In my short little life, I have had a lot of ups and downs with friends. I have lost friends for no apparent reason, just one day told that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. I was bullied and forever left out of things. As an adult, I feel that if you're my friend you're my friend and if you don't want to be my friend, get lost. I don't have the emotional energy, the brain space nor the time to deal with people who can't be bothered to be good to me.
With all the damage that happened to me in my childhood, trust is not a word I throw around lightly. So forgive me if I doubt you or think twice about you say and give you my two cents. Sometimes its just defensive reactions as for some reason, I'm always told I'm wrong. When I feel strongly about something or know I'm right, I'm like a dog with a bone. If this is what makes me so scary, than I guess I'll forever be the one no one discusses things with.
I still get hurt when I'm left out and I get real upset when people "forget" about me. Its very hard for me to be the one that is last thought about and than told, we were afraid you'd be mad so we just didn't tell you, sorry. Well gee, thanks! Nice to know that people are scared of me and how I will be but have no idea why I get upset or why I react the way I do. If people constantly left you out or "forgot" about you, how would you feel when approached? You'd be hurt too and you would be defensive.
I don't think anyone really takes the time to truly understand why people are the way they are. If people would stop and look, they'd see that they have no reason to be afraid of me. They would see that all I want to do is be included in things, to not be left out and to have people feel like they've missed me. Not forgot about me. That I'm important too.
I was once told by someone very close to me that he never got the chance to miss me and that's why he doesn't have this big reaction when he sees me. I disappeared for about 3 to 4 weeks from seeing them and when I saw them, he still didn't miss me yet he won't see someone else for a week and he misses them. That statement right than and there made me feel insignificant to him. Made me feel like what I thought was great was not. Someone has replaced me and it hurts. When I see them now, I just don't have the same feeling anymore because I feel as though they'll never notice how it hurt me.
I understand that everyone wants to feel important. Everyone wants to have that feeling that they're cared for and that someone is always going to miss them. They also want to feel that someone cares for them more than someone else as this seals the deal on friendships, love, partnership, etc. I just don't know why it always has to be at the expense of someone elses feelings.
Definitely something to think about... Who am I.. and what am I to others....
